WHO I HAVE BECOME?
We all have our stories of how trials and sufferings have shaped and molded us to into who we have become in Him today -- I call them "battle wounds and scars of the soul.” I have experienced much pain and suffering in my life, that when I reflect back to where I was and where I am today, I am humbled by His grace and mercy that brought me through. Here is a glimpse of my story and by Whom I am defined.
“Who are you?”
“What neighborhood did you grow up in?”
“Are you from this place?”
“What is your maiden name?”
“Where did you go to college?”
These are examples of questions that I and people around me asked others on a frequent basis. The answers would give them some perceived insight into “who you are”, as defined by them, in their world.
Where do you find your VALUE, SECURITY, ACCEPTANCE and LOVE?? Is it from your job, your neighborhood, your family name, your successes, awards or maybe even your popularity? Who and what feeds your ego??
I was born February 14, 1974 in Charlotte NC. Being the first born of my father, yet the third child of my mother, makes for some interesting birth order conversations. Moreover, I was the first girl born of my mother and father...and on Valentine’s Day! When I was born, my father cherished me deeply. He would rock me to sleep, sing me songs and play with me for hours. I was truly a daddy's girl. I remember knowing deep in my heart that I was loved.
I grew up in a materialistic and socialite neighborhood, where everyone attempted to appear as if they were “perfect”. This particular environment set me up from the beginning to seek what is verifiably true and authentic. The kids we played with had everything they could ever want.
My family and I attended a neighborhood Church that was very well known. As a family we were there every Sunday, and I will never forget the feeling I felt when Sunday morning rolled around. It was the feeling of “Do I really have to go?" We would arrive after a morning fight in our house, sit in the pew, well-dressed of course. Perfect, right??
The Priest would begin his sermon, and all I could think about was running away from this boring, dry place. My mind would drift, and I would wonder, “is anyone else hearing him?” When the service concluded, everyone would gather in front and speak to the Priest and tell him what a great job he did. I would think to myself, “Seriously, that is preaching??” I never once heard anyone, including the Priest, discuss the importance of a deep, intimate relationship with Jesus.
The "status quo" as I saw it was that every family and child was attempting to appear as perfect. The social pressure on all of us was to be the same. Behave well and you will succeed...everything was performance driven. Needless to say, I proceeded to fail that expectation in many ways.
As I grew into my teenage years, the dysfunction of my family dynamics became more and more intense. The contrast between what we projected to be true, and what was true, became too much for me to bear.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” Romans 12:2
The year of 1992 marks the beginning of a long and winding road that included multiple dark days and many sleepless nights.
Jesus promises each of us that we will endure many trials. In fact, longsuffering is what we WILL experience as we walk on this earth. We as believers cannot escape the pain and suffering that happens to us. We live in a fallen world where sin has entered. Therefore, as believers we must make a choice about how we decide to" struggle well" on this earth, when pain and suffering hit us like a massive tidal wave, knocking us down and bringing us to our knees.
What do we do?? How do we endure this suffering and pain? How do we lean into the discomforts of life, only to HOPE that we WILL experience His joy and peace?
At the age of 17 my diligent search for truth began. At that time, I was a senior in high school, completely out of control in my behavior. My senior year as a result was extremely challenging. Yet I was determined to seek truth at any cost. The winter of my senior year, I was accepted to attend Arizona State University. This, I thought, would be my answer!
On August 9, 1992, I embarked on my journey to find truth in my life in Tempe, Arizona. The freedom I felt by going to a place where no one knew me, who my parents were, where I grew up, and what high school I attended, made me rejoice. Fearless and excited, I packed 11 bags myself, jumped onto a plane, and I was off.
As I arrived in Arizona, I remember how the hot, dry air felt on my skin. I was so excited to be in a place where the sun shined 365 days a year, and no one knew me. This was my illusion of freedom from and freedom to. However, the freedom I experienced was still not true freedom...I just didn’t know it yet.
In effort to seek love, value, acceptance, and security, I began to exchange one lie for the next. Shortly after starting at ASU, I joined a sorority that was full of "beautiful girls". I began to embrace this new life, but it was the same as I had experienced at home: socially driven.
I stayed at ASU for only two years. During those two years I would characterize my life as completely reckless. I rebelled against everything I knew, and in every way I could…but I didn’t know why. I got a tattoo, boycotted shoes and lived on the edge. I remember how I loved to go barefoot, and in my mind this was one of my many illusions that defined true freedom. Once, again I had bought into the lie that I was not accepted, loved, valued or secure. My heart was desperately sick, and I was one angry girl.
During the summer of 1994, I had met some "friends" that longed to be “free”. So together we embarked on a journey to follow the Grateful Dead band. “WOW,” I said, “now this going to be true freedom!!” These people seemed to love each other, and they did not care about how they look, how you look, or where you came from. Soon I found this lifestyle to be nothing more than pure rebellion against rules, authority and order. My body was tired, and this adventure had made me very weary. Still, I was not ready to come home. My mind said, “I still have some adventure left in me.”
I found a "fun friend", and we headed to Austin, Texas to start a new life. Here, at age 21, I just knew I would find what I was searching for! This truly marks one of the darkness periods in my life. I was living a life and a lie of a true orphan, in that I was separated completely from my parents. I had completely turned away from all that I had valued and believed throughout my young life. Finally, after nine grueling months, the lifestyle I chose in Austin had defeated me, and my mom drove out to pick up a girl she did not even know. This journey back to my home town reminds me of the prodigal son. My heart was humbled and sad, and my soul weary from the lie that I had desperately chased for three full years. The so-called freedom that I thought was so great left me grieving. The many lies I had believed to be true were proven false. The lifestyle that had seemed so free and inviting was in fact a great deception that took me farther away from true freedom.
Finally, after a few years of personal rebuilding, I reentered college and graduated from the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill with a degree in psychology...and with honors! Shortly afterward, I moved back to Charlotte and started my career in sales. After a short stint with a wine company, I spent 4 years as a sales representative with a leading pharmaceutical company. My life had stabilized and I was more at ease...yet there was still something missing.
In 2001 I met the man who would become my husband. We were married in 2002, in the same church where I grew up. I soon became pregnant, on October 7, 2003 I gave birth to our first son Reid. On the very day after Reid’s birth, the Lord penetrated my heart forever!! At last I was saved, alone in my hospital room at 7:30am. This was truly an amazing turning point in my life. I had finally found true, authentic FREEDOM in Christ. Jesus is what I had been searching for all along. My need to feel valued, loved, secure and accepted finally arrived as a free gift...and all I had to do was decide to open it. He had been so faithful, even when I was unfaithful. Trusting, when I was untrusting. Jesus had been patiently waiting for me my whole life. There He was, the key that unlocked my broken heart.
This transformation marked the beginning of a process of deep healing in my life. Now the Lord had captured all of me. He is the ultimate gentleman. He took my right hand and walked me into the barren desert. This was His time to begin a true "healing process" in my life.
The desert is defined as a "barren area of land where little precipitation occurs and consequently, living conditions are harsh and hostile". However, we ALL must have this desert experience to truly understand who He is and who we are in Him. In the desert you can become very thirsty, hungry, lonely and tired. It is dusty and you sometimes cannot even see when the high winds blow the sand. You may ask yourself, “Is he with me? Where am I going? What is going on?”
The heat of the desert can scorch your flesh burn away all that is not of Him. I would become so thirsty and hungry for the Lord to speak to me, and give me a glimpse into heaven, that in my flesh I began to reach for "things" to fill my thirsty mouth. I wanted to consume what I thought were "good things” to satisfy my hunger. I shortly learned that those things I reached for left me still hungry and thirsty. What I didn’t realize was that the Lord had begun a deeper process of helping me to understand humility. The word surrender even echoed in my ear. I was exactly where I needed to be, broken and on my knees.
The Lord began to show me that I had to let go of everything and allow Him to fill my appetite. That was not easy. In fact, there were many days that I wanted to look back and run away from my desert. I would question everything I had done, was doing, and believed. This was a very lonely time in my life. Yet during those years, the Lord began an amazing work on my heart and in my soul.
There were times when I thought my suffering would never leave me. The loneliness of life saddened my heart. Everything in my life seemed broken, and I questioned whether He would ever put me back together completely.
I was so determined and driven to do something "good" for The Lord, that in my flesh I picked up idols, disguised as good deeds, to fill the emptiness that was deep within my heart. I craved desperately to fill the holes in my life with "good" things. I longed for the Lord to perform a tangible, visible miracle in my life. In my complete desperation, I created my own story of how He would be my miracle-working God. Truly, that only kept me in my desert longer! He would be so silent at times that I would scream and wrestle with Him for days. “Why me? Why here?”
Finally, after several years, I had nothing left inside or outside me to grab or hold onto. I felt as if I had been running an Ultra marathon, and finally my body was giving out. I laid down all those idols I had picked up when I was so thirsty and hungry in my desert. I wept before the Lord. I had no energy to run or even walk another step. In this precious moment in time, the God of the universe healed me and filled the holes that were deep in my heart with His truth!
Here in this certain place I became free! I chose to press and lean into the discomfort of life and allow The Lord to tell me how much He loves me. He began to tell me that he loves me infinitely and unconditionally. In this desert place, he began to give me a glimpse of where I had been angry at him because of the many disappointments and discouragements I had encountered. He showed me my yearning to run from His desert that He had created especially for me. Yep this desert was a special place for Elizabeth his chosen daughter! At this moment, I learned my circumstances were ordained by my creator, at this moment, I learned that I was more than a conquer in Christ. I learned it was time to fix my eyes upon him to fill ALL my needs. The "process" gave me a deeper calling unto him, a deeper more intimate relationship with the one who created me. He captured me with his joy, peace, and wrapped me in his love. He spoke to my innermost part of my soul, MY IDENTITY and who I am defined by HIM. My VALUE, LOVE, ACCEPTANCE and SECURITY, found fully in HIM…THE GREAT I AM! Times of suffering and crisis shed so many layers and pull deep roots out of your heart so at the end, there is nothing left. When we come to the end of ourselves, here is when we can stand fully surrendered, hands wide open running into the arms of Savior who died for me!!!
I praise God that His grace covers us and His love abounds in our hearts! Through Him we can forgive, and through Him we can experience restoration and healing. Through Him that loved us first, we receive the heart to love as He loves us. My miracle working God did show up, in fact he had never left. He gave us a glimpse into his heaven, where he reigns as the one and only Miracle Worker.
“I will restore to you the year that the swarming locusts have eaten."
Joel 2:25
During our times of "testing", the cross comes alive and the scriptures take root and flourish in our hearts...if we let it happen. Then we learn that our suffering builds a unique endurance in us that allows our faith to grow, and ultimately, His glory to shine. May we embrace his desert place for in the dark nights, he promises,
“you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow meal the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of The Lord forever” Psalm 23 5-6 (ESV)
Today, Father let us surrender to your ways, let go of our cravings and wants. Lord we aspire to step out of the way of our desire and allow you “The Great I Am” to begin to heal, restore, and renew our spirits. We ask Father, that you refresh our minds and bodies with your living water. Lord, we call on you to bring clarity to our thoughts and begin to makes us whole, healthy and free in YOU.
In your precious name Jesus, we pray, Amen.
Scripture for today is:
John 15:5 (ESV) I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
- Elizabeth Bowman