From Vulnerability to Acceptance
Acceptance is defined by the Hebrew as to delight. This is found only in Isaiah 60:7.
Have you ever been part of a conversation during which someone said something about you that completely triggered negative emotions causing you to feel completely vulnerable, shameful, and undone? Have you ever felt so misunderstood that you created your own narrative of your story just to cope?
Recently, I have found myself in some uncomfortable conversations with people that I love dearly. But the conversations brought up roots of self rejection that had been long buried deep within my soul. I suddenly felt that I was totally not good enough and would never measure up to “their expectations” and unworthy of who they expected me to be as a Christian mother, as a woman, or as a friend or ... well ... you can fill in the blank.
In complete desperation I grabbed hold of anything that I could control, and fear and torment began to reign rampant throughout my being. I no longer had peace; it was long gone. The enemy moved in on my mind and camped out. I became all undone through internalizing his lies and doubts of ‘who I am” and Whose I am!” Acceptance was now far away from my core thinking; and for that moment in time I felt so vulnerable - even hopeless. But then suddenly! Oh, hallelujah! Suddenly HE took over, and I wept for allowing that which was not of Him - for those horrid thoughts that pierced my heart and controlled my mind for that period of time.
Have you ever wept before the Lord like that?... realizing that what was being said about you was or could be partially true... and the shocking negative feelings that came from the very core of your being was your own vain attempt to protect your heart. Yet you had failed miserably!
These are painful, yet amazing moments we have between Jesus and us, moments where He begins to unravel a bandage that has been covering up a wound way too long. And as He begins to remove the bandage, it hurts, and it is raw, and it's anything but comfortable. But as we allow Him to do His cleansing work in our hearts, we hear Him whisper, "Allow Me to heal that deep wound. I, your Great Physician love you so very much. Allow Me begin a deep work in your soul. Allow Me to live My life through you."
Psalm 30:5b reads: “Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning.”
When I begin to accept my internal self and let go of my external circumstances, I begin to find “delight in Him.” In the original Hebrew, the word retson is translated in Isaiah 60:7 as delight or acceptance - even approval.
When I begin to search my own heart and ask the hard questions, what is it about those evil words that were spoken over me that triggered fear and stabbed straight to my heart? What do they represent in my life? I begin to see a greater purpose of a story that is being told - that I am human just like each of us. I finally am able to admit within myself that in my own strength, I AM NOT PERFECT, I WILL NEVER MEASURE UP, and I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH! But then a deeper healing begins to take place, acceptance of who I am, the good, bad and the ugly! And I receive the inner healing deep within my soul from my Savior, my Lord.
Then I can let go of expectations of others and realize that despite my imperfections, brokenness, and anger…. He still loves me and calls me His daughter!
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong" ~~ 2 Corinthians 12:10 (ESV).
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" ~~ Proverbs 4:23 (NIV).
-Elizabeth Bowman